Fear And The Future

So it's 3 am... Being a night owl, I often find that my greatest epiphanies come to me either in the wee hours of the morning or the shower.

I learned in one of my psychology classes once that depression and anxiety are often rather co-morbid, yet fundamentally different in one key way. People who suffer from depression are often focused on the past. They regret past actions (or lack thereof), and dwell on them, causing a deep sadness. Anxiety however, which I personally have struggled with for a good portion of my life, is focused on the future. It nurtures a fear deep within us that is caused by the uncertainty of the future. That uncertainty has always been something that I have had a very low tolerance for.

Whether it be a fear of finding success in my desired career field (something I still haven't determined), meeting my soulmate, deciding if I want children or not, worrying about money, and moving out of my home, one or more of these fears often finds a way to creep up every now and then and begins whirling around my mind, and somehow finds a way to invite its friends. This culminates to me feeling like a worthless blob and curling up in bed. Because we all know that sleep ends all problems.

NOT THE ARROWS.

So... there is a series of videos on Youtube called "Don't hug me I'm scared." They are rather strange and meant to create a sense of shock in the viewer, but you can learn more about that on your own time. However, I bring up the second of the two because early in the video, the clock says something rather profound.

"The past is far behind us... the future doesn't exist."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtkGtXtDlQA

At first I didn't think much about this. I suppose I was concentrating more on the other aspects of the video. But when I really thought about it... there's something to be said about that quote.

What I realized this evening is that anxiety could be considered a fear of the future. But the thing is... the future REALLY doesn't exist. Sure the concept of the future exists, but... it in and of itself doesn't. Much like the concept of the monster under the bed exists in our minds, there really isn't one there in reality.

I almost felt a little foolish upon realizing how true this really was. The only real thing is the present because it's the only thing that's happening now, but we will never be in the future. Even if we were able to time travel, we'd still only be in the present at that moment in the "future."

I am also an avid procrastinator, but what this has taught me is that procrastination is a result of a fear of the future. I often find myself not doing things simply because I am uncomfortable with what will happen next, either positive or negative. So by not doing anything... I prevent anything from happening, which creates an environment of certainty. But that's just it... the future becomes a predictable one that's not very exciting... leading to anxiety from not doing anything with my life. It's a vicious cycle.

I encourage you to live in the present. You will never be able to change the past. Find a way to accept it and learn from it and move on. I've found that my regrets are my greatest blessings, because they are the moments I've learned the most from. And as for the future... consider the darkness in your room at night. Is it the darkness you truly fear? No. It is what hides in the darkness that causes terror in our hearts. But the demons aren't real, and they can only haunt you if you believe in them. Once you realize there's nothing to fear because the source of your fear doesn't exist, I guarantee you'll sleep better that night.

Believe me, next week I'll be panicking about something I "need" to do because I'm 26 and time is rapidly running out. But I hope I will have the wherewithal to come back to this post and remember how relieved I felt in the moment I wrote this.

Well the melatonin is kicking in, so I better hit the hay.

Sleep well.