Niagra Falls

Hey everyone and anyone, I know I haven't posted in a while. Now's when I say the generic excuse of "I've been so busy," when in reality I've only been moderately busy and have had plenty of time to blog, but nothing really of note to talk about.

Recently however, I decided to take a solo road-trip to Niagra Falls. I never take vacation at work, and since I was reaching the limit of paid vacation hours I was allowed to have, I took a week off. I knew that I wanted to do something different and exciting instead of just laying around the house, so I decided to go on an adventure.

At first I wasn't sure where to go. I only knew a vague direction, which was North East. I decided Niagra Falls would be an excellent destination because it was only six hours away, which was plenty for me, it was a national landmark, and it was something that not everybody got to see. So, this past Wednesday, I headed out.

The wide and open road...

Many people didn't understand why I went on this sojourn, especially by myself. After all, it would be cheaper if I brought a friend, and it would also not be as lonely.

But that was just it: I wanted to be alone.

For along time in my life, I honestly thought about running away a lot. I can remember being on my way to work many times, and looking at the road headed west... I thought of California, and the amazing new life I'd build there. I'd start over and be the person who I wanted to be, free of any chains.

I had never actually been on a trip alone before, far away from family and friends entirely. This was an experience that I wanted... no needed to have. I could see what it was like to be really be on my own.

The trip to Niagra was a pleasant, albeit long one, save for the bloodsucking toll roads. I made the mistake of bringing little cash with me on this trip. Not a good idea. Although one toll booth operator was kind enough to accept my handful of pennies. Thank you, ma'am.

Much to my dismay however, Niagra Falls was nothing like I thought it would be. Where I imagined a small, secluded town huddled around a national landmark, I found a smog infested dying tourist trap of a city. I was disillusioned and disappointed.

Despite this however, the falls themselves were beautiful, and once I actually got to them, I knew my trip had been well worth it.

As I stood leaning on the guardrail, surrounded by tons of other people, I noticed how alone I felt. How truly alone I really was. I was six hours from anyone I knew. I began thinking of family and friends as the sun set.

The Falls

Like the city of Niagra Falls, I had romanticized running away for years to carve a new path for myself. I thought it would be a beautiful new life with no problems, but beneath my dream was the smoggy, dilapidated truth... I had everything I needed and wanted at home... I had just never appreciated it.

As night fell, I left the observation area of the falls and went to my car. I had planned to spend the night, but I decided to go back to Buffalo, NY to stay. I had dinner at a pub called "The Founding Fathers," a patriotic-colonial themed pub. If you ever get the opportunity in Buffalo, GO THERE. Best. Burgers. Ever.

I sat there eating my burger as 10 PM was nearing, and I decided to make the six hour trip home instead of wasting money at a motel. I'd rather sleep in my own bed anyone. It was a caffeine and 5-hour energy infused trip, but I made it, even though there were times I feared I wouldn't.

People didn't understand my motives when I got back. It didn't make sense that I'd go somewhere, and return the same evening. But that's fine... this trip was for me, not for them. And I learned a lot about myself when I took it.

If you ever get a chance, I highly recommend an extended solo road-trip sometime. It really is a journey that's more important than the destination.

All I know is, I'm happy to be home again.

Greetings from Niagra Falls!

Fear And The Future

So it's 3 am... Being a night owl, I often find that my greatest epiphanies come to me either in the wee hours of the morning or the shower.

I learned in one of my psychology classes once that depression and anxiety are often rather co-morbid, yet fundamentally different in one key way. People who suffer from depression are often focused on the past. They regret past actions (or lack thereof), and dwell on them, causing a deep sadness. Anxiety however, which I personally have struggled with for a good portion of my life, is focused on the future. It nurtures a fear deep within us that is caused by the uncertainty of the future. That uncertainty has always been something that I have had a very low tolerance for.

Whether it be a fear of finding success in my desired career field (something I still haven't determined), meeting my soulmate, deciding if I want children or not, worrying about money, and moving out of my home, one or more of these fears often finds a way to creep up every now and then and begins whirling around my mind, and somehow finds a way to invite its friends. This culminates to me feeling like a worthless blob and curling up in bed. Because we all know that sleep ends all problems.

NOT THE ARROWS.

So... there is a series of videos on Youtube called "Don't hug me I'm scared." They are rather strange and meant to create a sense of shock in the viewer, but you can learn more about that on your own time. However, I bring up the second of the two because early in the video, the clock says something rather profound.

"The past is far behind us... the future doesn't exist."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtkGtXtDlQA

At first I didn't think much about this. I suppose I was concentrating more on the other aspects of the video. But when I really thought about it... there's something to be said about that quote.

What I realized this evening is that anxiety could be considered a fear of the future. But the thing is... the future REALLY doesn't exist. Sure the concept of the future exists, but... it in and of itself doesn't. Much like the concept of the monster under the bed exists in our minds, there really isn't one there in reality.

I almost felt a little foolish upon realizing how true this really was. The only real thing is the present because it's the only thing that's happening now, but we will never be in the future. Even if we were able to time travel, we'd still only be in the present at that moment in the "future."

I am also an avid procrastinator, but what this has taught me is that procrastination is a result of a fear of the future. I often find myself not doing things simply because I am uncomfortable with what will happen next, either positive or negative. So by not doing anything... I prevent anything from happening, which creates an environment of certainty. But that's just it... the future becomes a predictable one that's not very exciting... leading to anxiety from not doing anything with my life. It's a vicious cycle.

I encourage you to live in the present. You will never be able to change the past. Find a way to accept it and learn from it and move on. I've found that my regrets are my greatest blessings, because they are the moments I've learned the most from. And as for the future... consider the darkness in your room at night. Is it the darkness you truly fear? No. It is what hides in the darkness that causes terror in our hearts. But the demons aren't real, and they can only haunt you if you believe in them. Once you realize there's nothing to fear because the source of your fear doesn't exist, I guarantee you'll sleep better that night.

Believe me, next week I'll be panicking about something I "need" to do because I'm 26 and time is rapidly running out. But I hope I will have the wherewithal to come back to this post and remember how relieved I felt in the moment I wrote this.

Well the melatonin is kicking in, so I better hit the hay.

Sleep well.

The Sphere Of Time

About a week ago, I had a rather strange dream which has fundamentally reshaped my views on the concept of time and the afterlife.

In said dream, my best friend and I had both died. In doing so, we went to what I assume was heaven. I was greeted by a co-worker who in real life is still alive as well. But in the dream, she was our guide in this mysterious place.

We three were the only entities I could see, but it was the strangest thing: I could literally feel God all around us. God was not a person we could see, but rather almost an energy that was felt. I had never really understood that concept of omnipotence until I had this dream. God truly was everywhere, in the very fiber of the place we were in. God was the light, the warmth I felt... it was very surreal.

The other important thing about this dream was where we were standing. When I looked down, the floor was made of glass, and below was what appeared to be... well... everything. It's hard to describe, but we could see various points in time all at once, and we understood what was happening. It was like seeing our universe from a different angle. Our guide told us that we were flying over a certain period in time, and I remember seeing what appeared to be people in the dark ages, living day to day life in a town. I also remember witnessing a star going supernova across the universe at the same time. It's really hard to describe, but it was an incredible dream.

What I took from the dream was that time was not a line, but rather a sphere that can be traveled from within and outside of. However, the laws of our universe only allow time to turn forward, meaning that if our universe was a sphere, it would be moving in one direction, rendering us incapable of moving backwards.

But what if that sphere was contained in another sphere? And that sphere didn't move one way or another? If that were the case, we could travel to any point in time.We only need remove ourselves from the sphere that moves forward and then re-enter once we have reached the appropriate area. Of course the question remains, how does one escape the sphere? And that's a questions that we haven't seemed to answer yet.

Nonetheless, I propose that time travel is possible, but only if there are other dimensions in which to travel to.

...It was just a dream... who knows?