Niagra Falls

Hey everyone and anyone, I know I haven't posted in a while. Now's when I say the generic excuse of "I've been so busy," when in reality I've only been moderately busy and have had plenty of time to blog, but nothing really of note to talk about.

Recently however, I decided to take a solo road-trip to Niagra Falls. I never take vacation at work, and since I was reaching the limit of paid vacation hours I was allowed to have, I took a week off. I knew that I wanted to do something different and exciting instead of just laying around the house, so I decided to go on an adventure.

At first I wasn't sure where to go. I only knew a vague direction, which was North East. I decided Niagra Falls would be an excellent destination because it was only six hours away, which was plenty for me, it was a national landmark, and it was something that not everybody got to see. So, this past Wednesday, I headed out.

The wide and open road...

Many people didn't understand why I went on this sojourn, especially by myself. After all, it would be cheaper if I brought a friend, and it would also not be as lonely.

But that was just it: I wanted to be alone.

For along time in my life, I honestly thought about running away a lot. I can remember being on my way to work many times, and looking at the road headed west... I thought of California, and the amazing new life I'd build there. I'd start over and be the person who I wanted to be, free of any chains.

I had never actually been on a trip alone before, far away from family and friends entirely. This was an experience that I wanted... no needed to have. I could see what it was like to be really be on my own.

The trip to Niagra was a pleasant, albeit long one, save for the bloodsucking toll roads. I made the mistake of bringing little cash with me on this trip. Not a good idea. Although one toll booth operator was kind enough to accept my handful of pennies. Thank you, ma'am.

Much to my dismay however, Niagra Falls was nothing like I thought it would be. Where I imagined a small, secluded town huddled around a national landmark, I found a smog infested dying tourist trap of a city. I was disillusioned and disappointed.

Despite this however, the falls themselves were beautiful, and once I actually got to them, I knew my trip had been well worth it.

As I stood leaning on the guardrail, surrounded by tons of other people, I noticed how alone I felt. How truly alone I really was. I was six hours from anyone I knew. I began thinking of family and friends as the sun set.

The Falls

Like the city of Niagra Falls, I had romanticized running away for years to carve a new path for myself. I thought it would be a beautiful new life with no problems, but beneath my dream was the smoggy, dilapidated truth... I had everything I needed and wanted at home... I had just never appreciated it.

As night fell, I left the observation area of the falls and went to my car. I had planned to spend the night, but I decided to go back to Buffalo, NY to stay. I had dinner at a pub called "The Founding Fathers," a patriotic-colonial themed pub. If you ever get the opportunity in Buffalo, GO THERE. Best. Burgers. Ever.

I sat there eating my burger as 10 PM was nearing, and I decided to make the six hour trip home instead of wasting money at a motel. I'd rather sleep in my own bed anyone. It was a caffeine and 5-hour energy infused trip, but I made it, even though there were times I feared I wouldn't.

People didn't understand my motives when I got back. It didn't make sense that I'd go somewhere, and return the same evening. But that's fine... this trip was for me, not for them. And I learned a lot about myself when I took it.

If you ever get a chance, I highly recommend an extended solo road-trip sometime. It really is a journey that's more important than the destination.

All I know is, I'm happy to be home again.

Greetings from Niagra Falls!

Fear And The Future

So it's 3 am... Being a night owl, I often find that my greatest epiphanies come to me either in the wee hours of the morning or the shower.

I learned in one of my psychology classes once that depression and anxiety are often rather co-morbid, yet fundamentally different in one key way. People who suffer from depression are often focused on the past. They regret past actions (or lack thereof), and dwell on them, causing a deep sadness. Anxiety however, which I personally have struggled with for a good portion of my life, is focused on the future. It nurtures a fear deep within us that is caused by the uncertainty of the future. That uncertainty has always been something that I have had a very low tolerance for.

Whether it be a fear of finding success in my desired career field (something I still haven't determined), meeting my soulmate, deciding if I want children or not, worrying about money, and moving out of my home, one or more of these fears often finds a way to creep up every now and then and begins whirling around my mind, and somehow finds a way to invite its friends. This culminates to me feeling like a worthless blob and curling up in bed. Because we all know that sleep ends all problems.

NOT THE ARROWS.

So... there is a series of videos on Youtube called "Don't hug me I'm scared." They are rather strange and meant to create a sense of shock in the viewer, but you can learn more about that on your own time. However, I bring up the second of the two because early in the video, the clock says something rather profound.

"The past is far behind us... the future doesn't exist."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtkGtXtDlQA

At first I didn't think much about this. I suppose I was concentrating more on the other aspects of the video. But when I really thought about it... there's something to be said about that quote.

What I realized this evening is that anxiety could be considered a fear of the future. But the thing is... the future REALLY doesn't exist. Sure the concept of the future exists, but... it in and of itself doesn't. Much like the concept of the monster under the bed exists in our minds, there really isn't one there in reality.

I almost felt a little foolish upon realizing how true this really was. The only real thing is the present because it's the only thing that's happening now, but we will never be in the future. Even if we were able to time travel, we'd still only be in the present at that moment in the "future."

I am also an avid procrastinator, but what this has taught me is that procrastination is a result of a fear of the future. I often find myself not doing things simply because I am uncomfortable with what will happen next, either positive or negative. So by not doing anything... I prevent anything from happening, which creates an environment of certainty. But that's just it... the future becomes a predictable one that's not very exciting... leading to anxiety from not doing anything with my life. It's a vicious cycle.

I encourage you to live in the present. You will never be able to change the past. Find a way to accept it and learn from it and move on. I've found that my regrets are my greatest blessings, because they are the moments I've learned the most from. And as for the future... consider the darkness in your room at night. Is it the darkness you truly fear? No. It is what hides in the darkness that causes terror in our hearts. But the demons aren't real, and they can only haunt you if you believe in them. Once you realize there's nothing to fear because the source of your fear doesn't exist, I guarantee you'll sleep better that night.

Believe me, next week I'll be panicking about something I "need" to do because I'm 26 and time is rapidly running out. But I hope I will have the wherewithal to come back to this post and remember how relieved I felt in the moment I wrote this.

Well the melatonin is kicking in, so I better hit the hay.

Sleep well.

The Sphere Of Time

About a week ago, I had a rather strange dream which has fundamentally reshaped my views on the concept of time and the afterlife.

In said dream, my best friend and I had both died. In doing so, we went to what I assume was heaven. I was greeted by a co-worker who in real life is still alive as well. But in the dream, she was our guide in this mysterious place.

We three were the only entities I could see, but it was the strangest thing: I could literally feel God all around us. God was not a person we could see, but rather almost an energy that was felt. I had never really understood that concept of omnipotence until I had this dream. God truly was everywhere, in the very fiber of the place we were in. God was the light, the warmth I felt... it was very surreal.

The other important thing about this dream was where we were standing. When I looked down, the floor was made of glass, and below was what appeared to be... well... everything. It's hard to describe, but we could see various points in time all at once, and we understood what was happening. It was like seeing our universe from a different angle. Our guide told us that we were flying over a certain period in time, and I remember seeing what appeared to be people in the dark ages, living day to day life in a town. I also remember witnessing a star going supernova across the universe at the same time. It's really hard to describe, but it was an incredible dream.

What I took from the dream was that time was not a line, but rather a sphere that can be traveled from within and outside of. However, the laws of our universe only allow time to turn forward, meaning that if our universe was a sphere, it would be moving in one direction, rendering us incapable of moving backwards.

But what if that sphere was contained in another sphere? And that sphere didn't move one way or another? If that were the case, we could travel to any point in time.We only need remove ourselves from the sphere that moves forward and then re-enter once we have reached the appropriate area. Of course the question remains, how does one escape the sphere? And that's a questions that we haven't seemed to answer yet.

Nonetheless, I propose that time travel is possible, but only if there are other dimensions in which to travel to.

...It was just a dream... who knows?

Digital Hoarding

I've been dead for a week.

Hello everyone, my name is Bobby, and I'm a media hoarder.

Recently, I've been going through the various files on my computer. Everything has gotten into such disarray (as if it were ever in any real order) that about a month ago, I finally broke down and decided to start organizing everything so I could actually find the pictures I needed.

My major project has been to go through my pictures folder and simply start there, seeing as how this is the major area of disorganization on my computer. Everything else is rather managed, save for some... erm... personal material. Yeah, that's a project I'm not even going to consider starting anytime soon.

My first goal was to start creating folders. From there, I would organize the images I had in the chaotic abyss of my picture folder into a more organized fashion. But as I quickly found out... thing's were not as simple as they seemed. No, no... they were only going to get worse.

Here's an example. Let's say I have this picture of OC superstar Mischa Barton.

No computer is complete without one.

At first I though, I'll just put it in the Television folder. Yet... I soon ran into other pictures of celebrities who were not in their stage role. So... I was confused. So I created a "Celebrities" folder, which was separate from  "Movies" and "Television" folder. Then came images of cartoons and anime, all of which had to be in their own folders too, because they weren't real. Then came musicians and music, which I put in one "Music" folder, but seperate from my "American Idol" folder, because that's a mixture of TV AND Music.

All of this led me to one question: How fucking important is it that I keep all these pictures? Why do I need them? Some of them made no sense. Literally no sense. Here are some images, straight from my hard drive, that I don't even remember saving, don't know the purpose behind, and perhaps most baffling of all, feel a strange sense of connection to that prevents me from deleting them.

This is just a small sample of the madness. It's the strangest thing... It's almost like the less sense they make, the more beautiful they are to me. Like that nobody else would save them, so by me saving them, they have some strange intrinsic value.

On a more meaningful note though, it has given me a chance to organize photos of family, friends and I; things that DO have meaningful value. Organizing them was an enjoyable trip down memory lane.

I think digital hoarding is a problem in our day and age. I have a friend who has filled multiple terabyte hard drives with material, a feat I fortunately haven't accomplished. With 50 folders, many of which have sub-folders, and exactly 775 unorganized images left, I'm well on my way to being organized. But honestly, to what end? In the long run, why am I really doing this?

Oh yeah, that's right...

...I have no life.

Image literally taken from my "Sad" folder.

And The Winner Is...

So... you found happiness. That's awesome. Like, no joke, I'm really happy for you, I really am. Why? Because you're a pretty awesome person, and quite frankly I like you a lot. I guess I was hoping that you could've found that with me, or maybe I was just hoping to find that in you. But it's ok... Always a day late and a dollar short.

I don't know why I hesitate. I think sometimes I get so close to success and then I get scared. Like... I see the finish line, but then I think about everything after the finish line. From that point on, people expect a certain level of aptitude from you... and you have to maintain your success. It never really just ends at the finish line.

So I slow down... only a little so nobody notices at first. Then, miraculously, all the other runners speed past me. Eventually I completely stop, and I am still. The race is over. Someone else won.

Heh... it's fine. Really, it is. The spotlight is too much work. I mean... yeah, it would be fun every now and then, but could I really handle the pressure?

No... that's not me.

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm in this race to begin with. I've had little training, and quite frankly... I'm not sure if this is even the right race for me.

I guess this was just one of the few times in my life that I felt the trophy was something worth racing for though... So, what the hell, why not give it a shot? And... I think I could've won.

...But seriously, it's ok. I'm happy for the first place winner. Really I am. He worked hard for it, he really did! He deserves his trophy. I smile, and give a thumbs up. He smiles back and waves.

This is great. I'm such a good sport. Yeah. I really am. In the end, that's reward enough.

Yeah...

Four Little Things

I think the emphasis that we put on material possessions is one of our many downfalls in life. In reality, I believe there are only four things that we truly own, from cradle to grave: Our bodies, minds, hearts and souls.

As such, I've begun to use this ideal to create a sort of model to live by. In other words, if a want, desire or perceived need does not benefit me in one of these areas, or if it harms one of these four things, then I see it as unnecessary and possibly as something that should be avoided.

Since these four things are the only things we truly have, it is my philosophy that everything should be done in order to sharpen them. In doing so, I believe we aim for, and quite possibly reach our fullest potential.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Body (Physical Self)
-Am I eating healthy foods?
-Do I have an exercise plan?
-How often do I work out?
-What is my families history of diseases and disorders? How can I better protect myself from them?
-Do I have good hygiene?
-Do I practice safe sexual habits?
-How much sleep do I get?
-What bad habits could I cut to improve my health?

Mind (Mental Self)
-What are topics of interest to me? How can I improve in those fields?
-How often do I read?
-When and what about did I last engage someone in deep conversation?
-What's something I could do more research on, just for fun?
-Should I consider more schooling?
-Does my job stimulate and challenge me?
-How often do I do puzzles and brain teasers?
-Am I open to new ideas and information?

Heart (Emotional Self)
-Do I have good relationships with the people in my life?
-Do I socialize often?
-When was the last time I expressed gratitude for friends and loved ones?
-Am I in a relationship? Do I want a relationship?
-What are my troubles, and how can I alleviate them?
-Do I take time to appreciate and love myself?
-How can I increase positivity and reduce negativity in my life?
-Am I happy with my life? If not, how can I better it?

Soul (Spiritual Self)
-What do I really believe, regardless of the beliefs of others?
-Do I take time to pray/meditate?
-When was the last time I had fellowship with other people of similar beliefs?
-In what ways do I make this world a better place?
-Do I follow the "Golden Rule?"
-Have I taken time recently to appreciate the world and all it's beauty?
-Am I charitable with my time, love and resources? To both friends and strangers?
-Am I able to forgive the transgressions of others and not hold grudges?

I think many of these things are self-explanatory, but I also think it's very easy to neglect aspects of each of these too, which in my opinion, ultimately leads to unhappiness and a lack of a sense of fulfillment. Take time sometime to check and make sure you challenge yourself everyday! By doing so, you only improve yourself and the world around you. :)

Faberge Eggs

Like many children, while I was growing up, I had I suppose what you would call a typical american childhood. I was an only child, but I had friends, and I often went outside and played, sometimes into the late hours of the night.

One of the things I remember wanting when I was a child was the ability to grow up and be independent; I wanted to explore the big world and all it had to offer. While it all looked good on paper, I was often limited to my street by a lack of transportation and an 8:00 pm curfew.

I'm off to save the world!

My parents always told me "You'll have plenty of time to be an adult, but your only a kid once. Enjoy it now." Of course these words were lost on me... Why, there was adventure to be had! Friends to be made! People to be saved! A happily ever after to be had!

In addition to my romanticized ideology of the world, I was also spoon-fed the typical childhood tales of Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. My mother however received the blunt end of the latter when I jumped up and scared her when her hand was behind my pillow one evening, searching for the baby tooth I had put there.

What I should have done. Psssh, they would've grown back.

In my angsty teenage years,  I never understood exactly why we told children these blatant lies; why we let them live in this fantasy world that we helped them construct. That's not how the world works... why lie about it?

Innocence to me was a Faberge egg... something that looked beautiful, but was essentially useless and would only one day shatter into thousands of tiny shards. During my teenage years, I faced certain personal adversities that sent several tiny cracks throughout my own egg, leading to its inevitable demise. Don't we all though? I think we realize we're on the brink of losing something valuable, but there's nothing we can do to stop it. That's enough to make anyone bitter.

Seriously, what do you even do with this thing?

The fact of the matter is this: One day we all grow up. Nothing lasts forever, including childhood. But now that I've grown older, I look back on my younger years with a sense of wonder. The rose tinted glasses gone, I know that I'm not the only person in the world who has feelings that matter. My parents aren't the perfect superheroes I once thought they were. The law isn't always right, and a little chaos isn't always bad. Most importantly, life isn't fair.

What did it all mean? What was the purpose of it all? I can't tell you really. But, I think, much like Shakespeare said, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." A lesson can be learned from any experience I suppose.

My Faberge egg lies shattered on the ground. I am no longer the starry eyed child I once was. But I was him once. We were all that starry eyed child once. I suppose the memories of childhood are something that, although no longer intact, are still beautiful and precious. So what do you choose to do? Will you throw the shards away in the trash, readjust your tie, pick up your briefcase and move on, or will leave them on the shelf, as a memory of something precious and beautiful that you once had?

Who knows... maybe if you leave a carrot out, the Easter Bunny will take it home and repair it for you some day.